All About My Mother: To Love And To Have Lost

A month ago, my mother passed away and the feeling of her loss is beyond unbearable, demanding to be felt in every way or another. Parents prepare you for everything in life but they never prepare you for life without them. To have seen my mother in her last few moments, I could not bear to think of what seemed unimaginable to me but when I saw her again, it was like a living nightmare. She was beautiful, like she always was, but everything outside of her casket seemed unreal to me. I was silently hoping she would open her eyes and curse everyone out like she would always do as if nothing happened, as if I woke up from this nightmare. Like a sitting duck, I did not know what to do, I did not know what to make of everything and most of all, I did not know what to feel first.

Being by my mother’s side along with my siblings during her last few moments was torture for me. We watched her suffer in her last few breaths, as if she were being robbed of the little pleasures she should be enjoying in life before she takes her final breath. Hearing her heart beat slow down, in irregularity and in suspense was hell but I couldn’t imagine the hell she was going through. She was a fighter; she fought a good fight until her last breath.

Suddenly, everything was too fast and too much for me. I felt pity, angry, depressed and everything else all at once. I felt myself changing and I felt like isolating myself from everyone. It felt like a hole was punctured in my heart and I felt like giving up on everyone, even myself. I wanted to be alone with my anger and grief.

I finally came to terms with the process and realised that this is not what my mother would have wanted for me, of course she would curse me out for mourning her this way, but I knew she would have wanted me to honour her by living my life the way she would want me to. Though there is pain in my heart knowing that I would not be able to hold and talk to my dear mother again, I know that she is always with me. She is wherever I go, she is everything I see and she is in everything I love and will ever love because my mother is the one who taught me how to.